Fear

Faith McKay

After I typed up this super long comment, I realized I sound like a really big weirdo. Which I am. So I guess I’m posting it….

I am so afraid of mice that people first think it’s pitiful, then think I’m kidding, and then are just completely confused. My husband really looks baffled when we try to talk about it.

If I HAD to go be near a mouse, I could make myself take the steps and go toward it and control my body in that way, but I would NOT be able to stop myself from sobbing and shaking. Deep, earth shattering, sobs. I am often told by people that they are not afraid of anything the way I’m afraid of mice.

I’m afraid of a LOT of things. I’ve been pretty well afraid of things that don’t make sense to people since I was a very little kid. I had abusive parents, which makes this a lot less funny, and one of the things my mom did was use fear to keep us in line. Absolutely everything she wanted us to do or not do would lead to our inevitable deaths. My usual example of this, is when she wanted me to clean my room. She told me that if I didn’t pick up my room, there would be an electrical fire (because we were always waiting for the inevitable house fire) and then I would trip over the stuff on my floor, hit my head, pass out, and die in the fire. BUT WAIT, STORY’S NOT OVER. And then my dog would not want to leave me, so he’d die in the fire, too. Two well meaning firemen would climb up into my attic to attempt to save me, trip over the crap on my floor, and also fall, hit their heads, and die in the flames. So if you don’t clean your room, you’ll die, your dog will die, AND two firemen.

Anyhow, this went over to a lot of things, and I’m scared of a lot of things that make no sense to other people.

When I was little I firmly believed that we were all stalked by our own personal psycho killers, and I used to stay up all night listening for them…and sometimes talked to them, to ask them not to kill me in my sleep. My younger sister thought this too, it was just talked about a lot. I think this is how I came to be pretty afraid of strangers living in your house. Like, there are stories about people sliding into your house and living in your attic or your closet without you knowing for weeks. You can find stories about it on the internet, some of them fake, some of them not. It really freaks me out, and you will never find my doors unlocked.

There’s also chickens. Birds in general. They’re okay if they’re just out and about, but if they start coming towards me, you can be sure I’ll back up. Lizards. Swimming in lakes. I can’t touch fish. I also can’t swim in the ocean. This is weird because I was the star of my swim team.

Fire. Heights. Elevators. SKY BRIDGES. Planes. Anything where a person is running something, because people are just people. For instance, I’d much rather climb a tree than go in a tree house, which a person built. You won’t see me lean against any railings. Garbage disposals. Decapitation.

Most of my nightmares are about mice, fire, and/or decapitation.

You’d think I’d be more afraid of things like spiders, since I was bit when I was younger and almost died (brown recluse) but that’s more of a rational fear. I don’t shriek at the sight of one, I just skirt away and take sensible precautions. I’m not gripped with terror.

Fear is a weird thing.